I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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