guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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