i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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