I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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