you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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