Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
