You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
