I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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