that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
