You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
