She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
