I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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