Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
