Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
