I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
