There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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