maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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