Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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