I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
