i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
