Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
