An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
