and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
