tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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