I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
