I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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