So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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