Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
