can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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