You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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