It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I faked an abortion last night.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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