I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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