White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
