why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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