I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
