I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
