How'd it feel making her break her religion?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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