He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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