im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
