I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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