HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
