I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
