Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
