I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
