Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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