When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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