I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
