I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
