Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
