i would punch a child for taco bell
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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