i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
