My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
