Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
